I we all change as we get older. We yearn for yester-year. Each year it continues to pain us as we grow older, our skin loses it’s elasticity, gaining weight is a perpetual battle with our thighs & tummy. We move out, we move on. A clean break is easier. You can reset it, and it heals, and you move on, but if you leave things messy, and things don’t get put right, then it just hurts, forever.

We continue to grow, things change, times change. We have children. But who are we? We essentially are the same person we were, even if nothing is the same. It’s awesome. It sucks. It’s real.

Question how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?

She doesn’t

Its September now, I hate it here. I feel at times like I am one of the few that is actively working on my spirituality. I was elected by the staff to run a small group of the sophomore girls. I am amazed, out of the 3 girls in the class – why me? I am new, they have been here for years. I would be only a few weeks before I figured out why they were not chosen for this responsibility. Daniel is the only one I can trust, He knows my past, he knows why I am here. There is the boy in my study hall, he’s geeky like me, I swear that he is trying to show off his skills. I like him. Minor flaw, he’s taken.

Its November now, I am not really liked by my class. With only 10 of us, it tends to complicate things. I had been invited to drinking parties, after turning them down a few times I became an outcast. I still have Daniel, I have my small group, and I have that boy from study hall – we’ve started to talk a lot now. We are friends, its good to have someone new in my life that I can talk to. His girlfriend hates me, I try to ignore it, there is nothing there, there can’t be.

Its February, his girlfriend has come to me, she wants a mentor. I oblige, however part of me knows this could get difficult. Our class has just began planning our senior trip. People are getting cruel, I have been the subject of very rude statements & pranks. I am hurt, I can’t even being to explain the pain. I want, I desire, I need hope. Only two people stand up for me Daniel, and that geeky boy.

Its April, we are making our finally preparations for our trip to Florida. That geeky boy became a really good friend. A confidant.

Its June, we are officially out of school forever! Well, until college starts up in August. all of us are going our separate ways. I have chosen to go to school up in Minnesota and will be leaving at the beginning of August.

It’s December 2005, things have been rocky being on the end of the relationship triad with that geeky boy & being a mentor to his girlfriend. I was told some things by her, secrets, things that would break that geeky mans heart. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t allow such pain to be inflicted to him. I had to tell him. I knew things would never be the same again. Maybe I would be losing 2 friends, I didn’t care. I couldn’t keep such a heart wrenching secret from him.

Its nearing 9 pm on Christmas Eve, we hadn’t spoken in a few weeks since I broke him the news. I had heard through the gossip channels that they were over. I get an email from him, my jaw dropped. I never thought that I would hear from him again. After all; who doesn’t shot the messenger these days? He wanted to met up. I reluctantly agreed. Part of me needed to get out of the house even though I had only be home for a few days. We talked, it was real, like we had just barely met, from the weather to the gut wrenching parts of our being. Part of me ached when we separated ways for the night. He was like forbidden fruit. And I wanted more, I felt whole when I was with him, He couldn’t actually feel the same, right?

Its Christmas Day, I got another email – he thanked me for meeting him the night before, he also asked me to join him & his family for Christmas desert & to watch a video he had received as a gift. My heart skipped a beat. Could this be real? I nearly leaped to my car and speed across town to his home. We sat awkwardly on opposite ends of his basement couch and watched “The Island.” Honestly, I couldn’t even remember what the movie was about, I was too busy attempting to analyze his every move. Our bodies suddenly next to each other, I didn’t even notice or remember who moved, but all of a sudden, his arm was around me. All in one moment, the negative feelings towards myself drifted away. I felt safe.

Its New Years Eve, the dawn of 2006 lays before me. I am back in Minnesota, I am lost in my own emotions. I want him, I need him. But am I emotionally strong enough for along distance relationship? My heart felt torn, how could someone love another so much that they could handle being apart from them? The words didn’t sound sane. Wouldn’t one do everything they could to be next to them? The words wear foul in my own mind. I had to empty this out of my mind before I lost myself further down the rabbit hole. I wrote him a letter, not all happy-go-lucky-I-love-you type either mind you. Eight pages later I was exhausted, I felt naked. He must never see this I thought, my heart ignored all convictions.

Its January 25th, Its my half birthday, I am on a flight home to see him. He meets me at the airport with flowers & lifted me from the ground as he lay a kiss on my wind chapped lips. Today was the day that we confirmed that we were “official”.

Its February 2oth, I am back in Minnesota, my entire body aching to see him, to smell him. I have had a scary past 24 hours, off which I spent about 14 of those in the ER. The cold, the stress, my asthma & pneumonia landed me unable to breathe,he saved my life, he called for help, even though I was over 2000 miles away. He forever will be my hero.

It’s June now, I am packing all of my belongs to make the trek back to Utah. I decided to attend the U of U for the rest of my education, there are two reasons for this a) being 120k in debt for a social work degree didn’t taste well b) being close to him would make my life much more pleasurable. I’ll leave your precious minds to determine the weight of each.

Fast forward to December 2007, we have made the leap. The Lord has a brought us together for more than just a passing in each others lives. We began courting. He also surprised me with a promise ring. With the exception of a heart wrenching stint in spring 2008 it has not left my finger. Some day it will become part of my wedding ring.

Its november the 5th! Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Today is the 404th anniversary of the foiling of a plot to blow up the Houses of Parliament and kill King James I of England. Even darling little Xander told me about the grumpy ole’ king James of England as we picked him up from school today (I am at times amazed what this little man knows! Can’t wait for his third birthday next week!)

Hope you have a great one, and please, don’t try to blow up parliament (or congress).

Also, I have another interview at Primary Children’s with the Outpatient Lab, this Friday. Its sure nice to actually be getting interviews instead of just rejection emails! It sure made this week alot better, especially since my eversohairy caveman (see post below) joined me for lunch post interview.

I am so stressed out at work, and hate practically every moment I am there. Part of me really just wants to say “peace out” have completing the A’s training. Man, she’s great and all, a quick learner too, but there is just way to much to teach in 3 weeks time. I suck at training people, I am way too OCD, I’d rather tell someone how to do things & do them myself to be sure they are done right. And so much of that position is not even rationally created. No wonder why the turn-over is so high across the valley. Not to mention the vendor company that we work with, they keep changing their processes’ weekly. No one should have to deal with that. All I can say is that I am so glad I won’t have that burden much longer.

gah. I feel much better now. Needed to get that out of my system. How was your day?

This was the face that came to great me today and bring me lunch prior to my interview. No going to lie. I love you, but I really hope this doesn’t last all month….

You’re: a Christian, you are a and amazing guy who stands up for what he believes in and not what the majority tag along is, you think for your self, your very smart, a computer nerd, you love me, you stood up for me when no one else would, you are perfect for me, not politically ignorant like half of the nation is, a great leader, handsome. I love you. Because you are the man that I fell totally head-over-heels-over-heels-over-heels for. the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because your my hand fits perfectly in yours and I never want to have to find any other persons that could try and come close, cause yours is the only one that it will ever fit perfectly in.

I would give the world, just to feel your touch, or the warmth of your breath against my skin as you whisper in my ear, or the sweet scent of being next to you. I never have felt like this before, its intoxicating. I love it. I love you. Its like oxygen, I’d die without it.

You brighten my day, you are there for me even before all this, you cared enough to listen to me gush about a bad or excellent day, your you. Because you haven’t left when things get messy, nor when I relapsed time and time again. You are my support my shelter, my desire to be healthy, to be strong, to be a mother. You are the reason.

Because you make little nerdy posts & images that brighten my day. Because you took the time to create “relationship GUI”; and yet alone re-write “relationship GUI” when I beat it.

Every time I look at you, or hear your voice I feel at home, like that is my world at the moment, and I know I never want to leave it behind, ever. That you are the one that sees me for who I am, understands me and yet loves me for it, that you are the man that I want to spend eternity next too.

Because you are who you are, you have an amazing heart, you crazy enough to love me, you are everything I have ever wanted, and are the only one that I want. Because you are the most handsome man alive, even after you have just played a game of soccer or basketball, because just the scent of you sends me adrift. Because your kiss is intoxicating, and your touch is sweet and to die for. That when I am with, seeing, talking to or, talking about you, I glow. Because you are the man of my dreams.

You are my everything. I love you, I can not wait to grow old with you, whether we have a white picket fence or only a basement apartment with no windows. It doesn’t matter, all that matters is – I have you.

love,

kate.

toy story!

Todays been great for raiding everyones leftover halloween goodies! We have a massive stockpile of these awesome toy story creations. The best are these pez-like treats!

Speaking of bites, I am going to get some now… nomnomnom, I am famished.

peace out.