life lessons. learned.
Its not usual that I actually end up posting my journalings on the world wide web, but today, for some reason, it feels a bit cathartic and something that I feel I need to openly express and do a little bit of self disclosure. Maybe its because it is March first, the beginning of a new leaf. Maybe its just because it is 3 o’clock in the morning, maybe, however life has just smacked me in the face and I need to continue to process it. So if you feel so inclined to wander the deep dark daunting areas of my mind, as well as the run on “stream of conscience” sentences of mine – bear with me, and read on.
This week has been a very interesting week, to say the least. I guess maybe the best thing to say is that it has been an emotional roller coaster. This week I faced some pretty big giants that forced me to break down some walls, and climb over the ones that I just wasn’t strong enough to battle against. I had to really re-evaluate my sense of self, and my need to feel/LOOK like I have it all together. But who am I fooling? Myself mostly. Thankfully I have an amazing support group within my family that helped pull me out of this dark rut and get me to a point were I felt physically capable of standing on my own. Today marked the end of my LSAC self awareness & skills labs, needless to say – going in, I knew that if I was poked in just the right area, the arena of tears would follow. And… wow… they did. And guess what. I survived. Can you believe it? I am sure still wondering how I managed.
I had to take a chance a not being invisible, not being the cherry – happy go lucky gal; and just be in the moment, be me, allow myself to show that I am not all society tells us that we need to show to others. I am amazed how often I don’t allow that to come out. Does anyone else suppress that stigma? After about 9 Kleenex’s and spilling my emotional insecurities, I actually got somewhere, somewhere I didn’t really think of when this week began. I really noticed how I create this aura of hope and love towards others, and adore to fill their emotional banks, but refuse to accept it back – in turn, leaving mine empty. Wow. I have been through HOW MANY psycho-educational classes, and just now this is clicking – a bit depressing. But incredibly liberating to actually notice that I am really putting myself into the position of not accepting, or even consciencely believing/identifying, with the good things about me.
After group, I shut off, and attempted to quit processing, as it was just making me more frustrated with my self. Then… these lyrics came at me like a flying banchi from the radio waves.
“Its not about having what you want, its wanting what you’ve got” – Sheryl Crow
I didn’t think that they were really going to effect me as I car danced my way down the road towards home, but they really sunk deep. We spent hours processing the negative self talk that we (ok – me) give ourselves (myself), and yet, this song struck me more into more processing power than I believe I was even ready for. How often do we sit and believe that if we just get “so and so’s” approval or we hear kind comments that we can believe their messages without changing the negative recordings in our own minds? Damn… I am still struggling, I probably will forever, but AMEN, for my AMAZING family, anesti, and the fabulous group members I had today that didn’t expect me to be what I expected my self to be or judge me for struggling in life.
On another note – my site remodel is moving along a bit slower than I thought, I have only changed my plans – entirely scrapping the prior – about 3 times. I have decided to (sub) name this model “life lessons. learned.” I believe this accurately depicts the phase of life that I am in right now, and really focuses on the here and now than some of the other designs that I have made. I will hopefully have it ready for release by the end of March (fingers crossed)
Well… thats all I have in me for the moment… good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
