allegri

As I sit straddling the wheel forming clay into what prayerfully will become a pot, I contemplate on how Christ has this position in my life. In Jeremiah 18:6 the Lord declares that we are like clay in the hand of the potter, and again in Isaiah 64:8; we are the clay, you are the potter – Lord ; we are all the work of your hand.

To allow the Lord to work in our lives we must be compliant, we must move in his hands the way that he puts pressure for us to move, we must mold our lives into the shape that he creates. As he makes grooves we must allow him to cut out of our lives the hindrances and distractions of which he does not approve. He wants to fire us so that we are permanently bound into the vessel that he has shaped. He paints a gaze over us, that is our talents, the bright and shining endowments from him, everyone has a different glaze, a different texture, shape, and style. Yet, each one was sculpted so carefully and precise as he poured his life and love into each creation.

But, the most often forgotten specification is the most important of all, we must be centered on the wheel, we must dedicate our lives to him. Let him put us at the center, where we are spinning around in his grace and love. If we are not centered on him, centered on that wheel, all we will ever be is spackle on the wall.

The Lord wants to mold you into a earthen pot, a jar of clay, into which he can pour his love so that we overflow. He wants us to give our lives to him, as to allow him to create in us a life that is glorifying of the work that he did to create it. He loves you. He yearns for you. He wants you to be the clay in his hands that he creates into a beautiful vessel for his love. Allow him to do so. Allow him to be the center, to knead the hindrances out of your life, to mold you into a vessel, to shave the bulges from the clay, to fire you into what you were made to be, to glaze you with your talents, and to fill you in an abundance with his love.

The Christian walk is  a lot like throwing on a wheel, you need to be all in – completely giving your life over to the Lord to work you into what you were made to be, or be spackle on the wall in the studio of the Lord.

Some of you may recognize this post, I originally wrote it back in August of 2007. As I scan back upon my posts from yester-years, I am ashamed that many of them are in regards to ill fated or just plain flat out lame (coughsurveyscough). This post really helped me through a huge struggle in my life & as I am floored once again by its trials & terrors, I am reminded once again – that if I just lay myself down & allow God to do his work, I will become what HE wants me to be, not necessarily what I may be aiming for. But God, her I am, take me – choose me, love me. I am YOURS.

So many things on my mind today, and right now, I sure don’t like it. Last night was a struggle for me, and its only the beginning. I need change. I don’t want to change. But I sure need it. Its hard. It always is, isn’t it? I guess I just really need to shapeuporshipout, to put it bluntly. Confrontation sucks. It seriously gives me an asthma attack just thinking about it. But body is revolted by the fact that someone (or many people) think what they do. And its all my fault. I put myself into this hole, and now that people notice, I just keep digging. suck.

I have been digging myself into this hole for the past 10 years of my life. I thought that I was strong enough to quit whenever I wanted. I went into remission for a few months at a time, but the moment a big stressor came up, I would lapse back into these habits. I am battling. I won’t give up, I can’t. I want to survive, I do. I feel fat. I can’t see past that when I look in the mirror. Or when I  am up to the wee hours of the morning working off the calories that I consumed that day. I don’t want to be such a wreck that I’ll never be able to have children, or be respected, or be a good mother. I want to recover. But inside, there is this evil voice that keeps repeating – “you don’t want to eat that”; “you can easily survive off of 400 calories today, as long as you work it off it wont go directly to your hips & bum”; “you’re really not that hungry”

I need goals. And I need to make them today. Not excited.

1. evade the hospital/therapy

2. eat & keep it down.

3. no 2am workout sessions.

4. no abusing laxatives & ipecac.

In all seriousness. Its a start right?

Well, my point is, besides feeling hopeless, helpless & such. Today is a new day, a new beginning. And I really need to make use of it.

Its not usual that I actually end up posting my journalings on the world wide web, but today, for some reason, it feels a bit cathartic and something that I feel I need to openly express and do a little bit of self disclosure. Maybe its because it is March first, the beginning of a new leaf. Maybe its just because it is 3 o’clock in the morning, maybe, however life has just smacked me in the face and I need to continue to process it. So if you feel so inclined to wander the deep dark daunting areas of my mind, as well as the run on “stream of conscience” sentences of mine – bear with me, and read on. 

This week has been a very interesting week, to say the least. I guess maybe the best thing to say is that it has been an emotional roller coaster.  This week I faced some pretty big giants that forced me to break down some walls, and climb over the ones that I just wasn’t strong enough to battle against. I had to really re-evaluate my sense of self, and my need to feel/LOOK like I have it all together. But who am I fooling? Myself mostly. Thankfully I have an amazing support group within my family that helped pull me out of this dark rut and get me to a point were I felt physically capable of standing on my own. Today marked the end of my LSAC self awareness & skills labs, needless to say – going in, I knew that if I was poked in just the right area, the arena of tears would follow. And… wow… they did. And guess what. I survived. Can you believe it? I am sure still wondering how I managed.

I had to take a chance a not being invisible, not being the cherry – happy go lucky gal; and just be in the moment, be me, allow myself to show that I am not all society tells us that we need to show to others. I am amazed how often I don’t allow that to come out. Does anyone else suppress that stigma? After about 9 Kleenex’s and spilling my emotional insecurities, I actually got somewhere, somewhere I didn’t really think of when this week began. I really noticed how I create this aura of hope and love towards others, and adore to fill their emotional banks, but refuse to accept it back – in turn, leaving mine empty. Wow. I have been through HOW MANY psycho-educational classes, and just now this is clicking – a bit depressing. But incredibly liberating to actually notice that I am really putting myself into the position of not accepting, or even consciencely believing/identifying, with the good things about me.

After group, I shut off, and attempted to quit processing, as it was just making me more frustrated with my self. Then… these lyrics came at me like a  flying banchi from the radio waves.

“Its not about having what you want, its wanting what you’ve got” – Sheryl Crow

I didn’t think that they were really going to effect me as I car danced my way down the road towards home, but they really sunk deep. We spent hours processing the negative self talk that we (ok – me) give ourselves (myself), and yet, this song struck me more into more processing power than I believe I was even ready for. How often do we sit and believe that if we just get “so and so’s” approval or we hear kind comments that we can believe their messages without changing the negative recordings in our own minds? Damn… I am still struggling, I probably will forever, but AMEN, for my AMAZING family, anesti, and the fabulous group members I had today that didn’t expect me to be what I expected my self to be or judge me for struggling in life. 

On another note – my site remodel is moving along a bit slower than I thought, I have only changed my plans – entirely scrapping the prior – about 3 times. I have decided to (sub) name this model “life lessons. learned.” I believe this accurately depicts the phase of life that I am in right now, and really focuses on the here and now than some of the other designs that I have made. I will hopefully have it ready for release by the end of March (fingers crossed)

Well… thats all I have in me for the moment… good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

President-elect Barack Obama walks on stage at his victory celebration in Chicago with his wife, Michelle, and daughters Malia and Sasha. Photo by Scott Olson / Getty Images

Prior to the landslide win in the electoral college, at apporximately 9 p.m. Mountain Standard Time,with two time zones’ polls still open; Senator John McCain anncounced his concession from the race for president. 

About 20 minutes ago, Senator Barack Obama took the stage with his Wife, and two lovely daughters to address the nation, and accept the position as the president elect.

It is now 10:30 p.m. and the precincts are slowely reporting their tallys, at this time the electoral college is at a landslide 338 to 156 for Obama to be the next president… 

As well, the Democrats have obtained at least nine more seats in the house and senate and are currently in control of both. This indeed has been a history making day, as we will usher in a new era with 2009; and inaugurate the first African-American President of the United States.

Obama elected the 44th President – msnbc

Good Night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

First off God is AMAZING. I just got back from camping out with 300 of my best friends (and yes, many were MIA . God reached into the hearts of <b>21</b> souls this weekend and urged them to be baptized!!! Take that satan

Secondly, I <b>LOVE</b> the Provo church members (and the Colorado guys too) you all were awesome to sit, converse, and pray with. I love you all.

Third, I turned 21 this Friday!!! Yay… So two awesome things about that number this incredible weekend.

Fourth, my bathtub looks like the cat and the hat came to town… if you have no idea what I am inferencing too, go to the store get the book and find out… ha ha…

Fifth, <b>NO</b> major injuries (not even for me, ha ha), Phillip Falls was not re-enacted either.

God is good.

grace and peace,
Kate

P.S. Tristan and Shay make me smile.

P.S.S. Pictures will be up tonight.