allegri

The 5th of november, The Gunpowder Treason and Plot, I know of no reason, Why the Gunpowder Treason, Should ever be forgot.

Its november the 5th! Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Today is the 404th anniversary of the foiling of a plot to blow up the Houses of Parliament and kill King James I of England. Even darling little Xander told me about the grumpy ole’ king James of England as we picked him up from school today (I am at times amazed what this little man knows! Can’t wait for his third birthday next week!)

Hope you have a great one, and please, don’t try to blow up parliament (or congress).

I am constantly amazed how some people address their children in public. It can only lead one to imagine that the worst is probably happening to them inside of the home, with the audacity that happens out side of it. I was in the grocery store earlier today and there was this child who was upset about something, {he couldn’t have been older than 3} he was sitting on the floor pouting when his mother started screaming profanities at him. Seriously? What kind of a person would scream profanities at child?! As security walked over to this woman and began to quiet her down the first instinct I has was the desire to pull out my cell & dial DCFS. How could one think that cursing at a young child would make a situation better? Why wouldn’t once protect their child, and their own anonymity by just leveling with the child or removing them from the situation?

I am reminded of a story my mother would continuously tell us as I was growing up about my very audacious older brother. When he was about four, my mother had miscarried @ 23 weeks, Thomas was devastated. There was a situation at McDonald’s like the one above. Thomas, being pro-active, went over to the mother and bluntly stated “Babies are a gift from God, I lost my baby brother, be thankful you still have yours.” I am still amazed that at such a young age he was already able to discern right from wrong.

UGH. Today sucked. Seriously. I have been waiting for the past NINE days to hear from hr about this awesome position that I applied for & had a second interview with & was totally on the ledge thinking I had it in the bag. wrong-o. so, I am getting ready to leave work and get the dreaded email from hr stating:

Dear Kate K.

We are sorry to inform you that you are no longer a canidate for the position of pediatric IV tech. You have no usable skill sets, or assets that we could use and are just really lame. You suck. Good luck finding another job!

Love HR.

Ok, so it wasn’t completely like that. I may have added a few emotional comments that were not necessarily in that email, but seriously, getting that rejection was the preverbal nail in my coffin. Last thing I really needed this week.

Who wouldn’t want me? I am awesome (and have really awesome shoes, and totally sport scrubs better than half of those other ladies out there…). RIGHT? right? guys…

So many things on my mind today, and right now, I sure don’t like it. Last night was a struggle for me, and its only the beginning. I need change. I don’t want to change. But I sure need it. Its hard. It always is, isn’t it? I guess I just really need to shapeuporshipout, to put it bluntly. Confrontation sucks. It seriously gives me an asthma attack just thinking about it. But body is revolted by the fact that someone (or many people) think what they do. And its all my fault. I put myself into this hole, and now that people notice, I just keep digging. suck.

I have been digging myself into this hole for the past 10 years of my life. I thought that I was strong enough to quit whenever I wanted. I went into remission for a few months at a time, but the moment a big stressor came up, I would lapse back into these habits. I am battling. I won’t give up, I can’t. I want to survive, I do. I feel fat. I can’t see past that when I look in the mirror. Or when I  am up to the wee hours of the morning working off the calories that I consumed that day. I don’t want to be such a wreck that I’ll never be able to have children, or be respected, or be a good mother. I want to recover. But inside, there is this evil voice that keeps repeating – “you don’t want to eat that”; “you can easily survive off of 400 calories today, as long as you work it off it wont go directly to your hips & bum”; “you’re really not that hungry”

I need goals. And I need to make them today. Not excited.

1. evade the hospital/therapy

2. eat & keep it down.

3. no 2am workout sessions.

4. no abusing laxatives & ipecac.

In all seriousness. Its a start right?

Well, my point is, besides feeling hopeless, helpless & such. Today is a new day, a new beginning. And I really need to make use of it.